December 19, 2005

So, I haven't written in a good long while. Looking at the archives it appears to be a long time (6 months maybe). A few comments about how I feel about this:

- The fact that I think that 6 months is a long time is messed up.
- I haven't really been 'writing' in the sense that when I stop things happen that are different (the fan club disbands, riots, etc.)
- But to me it makes sense -> once I started writing I never really stopped in my head; I have just stopped writing it down
- And this is depressing because it means that those 6 months of my life (if I write about them) are effectively gone or stale in my writing (if I write about them).
- And this makes them seem more interesting, secretive
- And my use of bullet points is criminal, really.

Anyway, I'm posting a bunch of stuff from that 6 months that I sent myself over email. For real.

November 21, 2005

iTunes "you might also like" thinks that I would like "I just can't wait to be king" from the Lion King soundtrack. Should I kill myself now or wait until after Thanksgiving?

May 03, 2005

A letter to the black women who keep hitting my car

A letter to the black women with kids screaming in the back that keep
running into the back of me - three time now this has happened; count
'em up - and seem really nice but keep giving me huge headaches and
make my back sore

Fucking stop it.

May 01, 2005

While I was out jogging last weekend somebody threw a pinecone at me and hit me square in the face. Now, there are a number of things to talk about here.

First, why was I jogging on the weekend? Certainly this is a silly thing for a grown man to do what with all the freaking gardening and work-around-the-house that *has* to be done to prevent the earth from falling off its axis into the ocean. Ok, so that doesn't make sense to you but it does to me in the same way that running instead of sitting on the couch eating taquitos off my chest does.

Second, where did they get the pinecone? Oh, an important detail is that they threw it from a car. Most cars don't come with pinecones standard so it was either pre-meditated or a dirty-to-the-point-of-containing-live-evergreen-vegitation (DTTPOCLEV) car. Quick sidenote: as a former owner of a DTTPOCLEV, pollen season sucks.

Third, how did they throw it so accurately? The car was moving (maybe 15 mph) and so was I (maybe 6-7 mph). Perhaps they had calculated the attack in advance and had used cutting-edge mathematics ("trigonometry" and the like) to decide when and how to throw the pinecone in order to hit me squarely in the face.

Fourth, how did I react? The cone hit me in the face and shook my glasses almost off my face. After grabbing these and making sure that they didn't fall off I slowed down, stunned. I didn't know what to do in much the same way that black people don't know what to do when they are confronted by direct, in-your-face racism after years of being used to the indirect kind. No, I am not comparing this to racism - I am saying I didn't know what to do. I love all black people - they are great.

Fifth, how did they react? If they were teenagers messing around then I would expect a honk, spinning tires and perhaps some yelling with Freebird playing in the background. I heard none of this. The person who threw it didn't even seem to react to the result; after hitting me, again, squarely in the face, he simply leaned back into the backseat fully and they sped up and kept going. This can only mean one thing - they were assasins.

Sixth, what sort of assasins were they? Clearly, very stupid and ineffective ones.

Seventh, how should I have reacted? This point is clear. I should have sped up to match their speed without hesitation after getting hit, then thrown my shoulder into the "sweet spot" behind their backdoor thus causing them to lose traction and tailspin the car until they went into the ditch and burst into flames. Then of course piss on the ashes and continue my short jog.

April 28, 2005

Just kept running

While I was out jogging last weekend somebody threw a pinecone at me
and hit me square in the face. Now, there are a number of things to
talk about here.

First, why was I jogging on the weekend? Certainly this is a silly
thing for a grown man to do what with all the freaking gardening and
work-around-the-house that *has* to be done to prevent the earth from
falling off its axis into the ocean. Ok, so that doesn't make sense
to you but it does to me in the same way that running instead of
sitting on the couch eating taquitos off my chest does.

Second, where did they get the pinecone? Oh, an important detail is
that they threw it from a car. Most cars don't come with pinecones
standard so it was either pre-meditated or a
dirty-to-the-point-of-containing-live-evergreen-vegitation (DTTPOCLEV)
car. Quick sidenote: as a former owner of a DTTPOCLEV, pollen season
sucks.

Third, how did they throw it so accurately? The car was moving (maybe
15 mph) and so was I (maybe 6-7 mph). Perhaps they had calculated the
attack in advance and had used cutting-edge mathematics
("trigonometry" and the like) to decide when and how to throw the
pinecone in order to hit me squarely in the face.

Fourth, how did I react? The cone hit me in the face and shook my
glasses almost off my face. After grabbing these and making sure that
they didn't fall off I slowed down, stunned. I didn't know what to do
in much the same way that black people don't know what to do when they
are confronted by direct, in-your-face racism after years of being
used to the indirect kind. No, I am not comparing this to racism - I
am saying I didn't know what to do. I love all black people - they
are great.

Fifth, how did they react? If they were teenagers messing around then
I would expect a honk, spinning tires and perhaps some yelling with
Freebird playing in the background. I heard none of this. The person
who threw it didn't even seem to react to the result; after hitting
me, again, squarely in the face, he simply leaned back into the
backseat fully and they sped up and kept going. This can only mean
one thing - they were assasins.

Sixth, what sort of assasins were they? Clearly, very stupid and
ineffective ones.

Seventh, how should I have reacted? This point is clear. I should
have sped up to match their speed without hesitation after getting
hit, then thrown my shoulder into the "sweet spot" behind their
backdoor thus causing them to lose traction and tailspin the car until
they went into the ditch and burst into flames. Then of course piss
on the ashes and continue my short jog.

April 27, 2005

HOWTO: Go to sleep while using the bathroom at work

* Work on an outside project for two - three weeks.
* Only work on it outside of normal business when your wife is asleep, thus averaging 4 hours of sleep a night even on the weekend for three weeks.
* Stay up on the last night of the project until 2, go to bed at 3, and then wake up at six.
* Go into the bathroom, sit down, and place your palms into your cheekbones. Wake up with a start 20 minutes later when someone flushes.
* Cleanup and walk back out.
* If you are asked where you were, provide one of these lovely responses:

o Hazmat research
o Taking a walk (add a limp for realism)
o Processing a burrito genius, want the details?
o Dreaming of you.
* When you get back to your desk promise yourself not to work this schedule again.

A message to all the people who think that I am a jerk

My walk from my cubicle to my car is very special to me - I put on my
suit jacket and walk quickly around the cubicle wall, down the hallway
and down one flight of stairs, then for a long distance through the
large atrium in sight of the cafeteria, then outside all the way
across the length of the building to the parking deck, then down five
flights of stairs and across the deck to my floor, where I will walk
the length of the deck to my car at the far end of the floor - as far
from my cubicle as I can park. This walk is sacred and silent and
beautiful. I will not ruin it with a simple "hello" to you, no
offense.

October 06, 2004

From some spam I got today:

"they had been dead: then how old I was, what was my name, whether I"

October 01, 2004

The end is near?

October 31, 2003

My new "go-to" words when I am trying to remember the next line during my one-hour comedic ad-libs around the water cooler:

• Boo-fucking-hoo
• Well, that's neither here nor there
• Pues
• That's six of one and half-dozen of another
• Yes, but can she suck it through a garden hose?
• My uncle used to do that to me
• Yes, but can we ratify that?
• You know, the difference between theory and practice is much greater in practice than in theory
• So I says to the guy: "Stop wearing panty hose?"
• Do you think that they will accept that, or should the beatings continue?

October 02, 2003

[certainextent.com]$ cat sleep
try {
        sleep;
}
catch {
        do { turn; }
        until(ready);
}
finally {
        awake;
}
[certainextent.com]$ ./sleep
bash: ./sleep: Permission denied
[certainextent.com]$ perl sleep
Segmentation fault
[certainextent.com]$

September 29, 2003

Who here thinks that state-of-the-fart would be a really good name for a band? Weird Al album? Blog?

Show of hands?

Ok, right, nobody?

September 16, 2003

My style would be more Stealth Rap, but whateva.

August 29, 2003

Things that are easy to write about

• Fictitious chinese fortunes found in cookies (What you just ate was not sweet and sour chicken)
• Inappropriate work behavior (Hot copier sex ruins monthly toner-usage tracking statistics)
• Fake resume in which you say all the things that you shouldn't (Objective: Obtain job in which it is impossible to fire me, office theft is considered "part of the game", business write-offs are considered "right on", and there is little actual work outside of walking to cafeteria and/or taking a shit three times a day.)
• Fake horoscopes (Today marks the beginning of the end for your expired milk)
• Suprisingly short lists of things that are easy to write about
07:06 PM

August 27, 2003

I'm not saying that I'm stronger or anything, but I think that I could take Lance Armstrong - in a crotch-kicking contest if I got to go first.

July 25, 2003

while($time) {
   study until $summer;
   goto sleep unless $school;

   my $time_here = undef and exists $the{exit};

   do { 
      bless $all, 
      accept $all, 
      connect $all, 
      join $all
   } 
   until last BREATH;

   while(left) {
      sin;
      bless@ed;
   }

   return ??;
}

May 14, 2003

Sleep tight

At my new job I am near a very large window that is tinted so that you can't see in very well from the outside. My desk is in the back of the building and so the window looks out on the back side of a small series of office buildings. There are many more people milling around during the day - making deliveries - than I would expect since it looks like the back of a grocery store. Yesterday one of the delivery men took a very long smoke break right outside the window; he was obviously avoiding work and didn't think that anybody could see him out there. Today he has taken a two hour nap in his truck, again I should hope thinking that nobody is watching him from only ten feet away, and then posting it on the web.

April 17, 2003

Breaking news

Coalition forces have captured Saddam Hussein's half-brother in a rural village outside of Baghdad. The marines who captured him were suprised to report that he was a little pussy when they captured him. "I don't know, I thought maybe he was a badass since he was the big man's brother, but we found him balled up in the corner of this farmhouse crying like a little girl" reported one marine. "And when we started to torture him, nothing serious - just innocent fun - he started begging for his life. I mean come on, suck it up, you had to know this was coming".

March 03, 2003

Iron Chef

Things that I would say if I were an Iron Chef judge:

• This dish is very complex - with many levels of enjoyment - much like a 7-layer burrito from Taco Bell.
• This dish reminds me of my childhood, chasing our dog around the front yard naked with a water hose.
• Hmm.. Is this dishwater that you have used here?
• The way that you complimented the miso with some of your own sweat is quite amazing.
• I don't speak Japanese.
• I must say that this is by far the best snot-on-a-plate that I have ever tasted.
• I have an erection. It may be due to your food, and maybe not, but just wanted to pass that along.
• The way that you have combined the classic French sauce with the Redneck style of beanie weanies is quite impressive.
• Are you available for weddings?
• If you wear a bathrobe to work, do you wear a tie to sleep? I have a headache.
• There was a time in my life when I would not eat anything other than Mac and Cheese. After tasting your dish I wonder if I should return to this method.

February 13, 2003

Hmmm...

movable type spellcheck

Did you mean: movable type spell check?

January 27, 2003

Intelligence and arrogance

There is nothing more confusing to me than someone who is arrogant about being smart. I have met many, many such people in my days and it just doesn't make sense. Let's break it down.

There are two types of ways that you could be arrogant about "being smart": being arrogant about having a lot of intelligence and being proud of knowing a lot. Now, I will not go into what "intelligence" means here (the ability to remember, to process, to identify trends, etc.) but this seems like the natural divisions of silly arrogant smart people:

1. I am a genius.
2. I know everything about x

I will start with 1.

I am a pretty tall person, about 6'2". There are a lot of people taller than me in the world, but overall I am probably in the top 5% of people in terms of height worldwide. I am not proud of this fact and do not hold my head up high to show people how tall I am. This is because I had absolutely nothing to do with me being tall.

People who are arrogant about being smart are bragging about being tall. Science thinks that smart kids are born smart and are influenced by their environment to be smarter. This brings us to our second point.

If you know everything about x then this is because you studied it for a long time. While I personally believe that you can never know everything about any subject without being silly, stupid, or blind to your own ignorance about the world, let's assume that you do.

You have worked hard, and are a worldwide expert in microwaves. You know everything about microwaves and you dominate Microwave Jeopardy at parties. For years you have studied in a graduate student cubbyhole, pouring over thousands of articles and user manuals, learning everything about these fascinating machines.

After all these years of study how can you be arrogant about your knowledge? Do you feel that other people could also reach this level of knowlege if they put in the same amount of work? Hmmm. If you do then you can't be arrogant about reaching this level; that would be like being arrogant of crossing the street. So you must feel as if only you could reach this goal only. You are uniquely destined to master the microwave. Why? Because you are smarter than most people and have the dedication and ability. This is just being proud of being smart.

So, what I am trying to say is the following. To be arrogant about anything is silly because to get somewhere you do two things:

1. Use your inborn skills, which are given to you through genetics, environment, and anything else beyond your control.
2. Work very hard.

To be arrogant about 1 is stupid because you had nothing to do with it. To be arrogant about 2 is silly because anybody can work as hard as you if they want it.

In order to be truly arrogant you basically have to believe that you are smart and that you are the only one that has the dedication to reach where you are. To believe this or that you are the smartest person ever born is quite simply immature given the changing nature of the world.

So overall I feel that arrogance about being "smart" or general arrogance about anything for that matter, is a form of immaturity.

January 07, 2003

5 year plan

If I were to ever write a book I would write it about the process of writing books, much like some authors do as their last book after years of churning out good text. This guide to writing from a first-time author would discuss how to type, how to proofread, how to print out, and how to throw away your own work. It would also illustrate how to ignore those that don't like your work and think that you can't spell, allowing you to make up a world in which you can create without ever worrying about what other people think, which should be, after all, your ultimate goal.

My second book would be a romantic novel full of fifty-page love scenes. It would be distributed in its entirety on the back of chinese restaurant menus that I would hand out to people on the street.

My third book would be an in-depth study of something very boring, like the history of microwaves and how they work. It would be written in shorthand on a typewriter and would have no corrections. I will distribute this book by going into a very large university library and placing a copy at the same location on every shelf over a period of two months.

My fourth book would be an in-depth analysis of the rise and fall of a made-up civilization called the Hoowats. This multi-volume work would be quite comprehensive, with juicy primary source documents photographed and arranged nicely within its dense pages, backing up my previously outrageous claims of the overall silliness of the Hoowats. This book would also be distributed by hand in libraries, but will be placed in the Western History sections.

My fifth book would start each and every sentence with a different letter of the alphabet alphabetically starting with 'd'. This cycle would repeat and would serve to keep me, a highly successful five-book author, occupied during its creation. It would not matter what this book is about.

My sixth book would be a legal-crime-mystery-drama with an alcoholic-perverted-divorced lawyer leading an exciting case about a rich-arrogant-genius-teenager in jail for murder-jaywalking-stabbing-double parking-blackmailing. It will be written in French, which I will learn during its creation, and set in Paris, which I will avoid during its creation. It will be distributed only in the United States.

My seventh book would be a childrens' story about a cute bear named Shuggles who goes on an amazing journey over the course of 3,000 pages in very small text with no illustrations.

Brotherly advice

How to know about music to impress girls

First of all, you need to know the words to some songs. Listen to a song once all the way through without really paying attention to the words at all. This will allow you to hear the 'music' and read the meaning 'between the lines'. It will also free you from the awful realization that most music is really shitty poetry about people having sexual intercourse and then not having sexual intercourse and then talking about it. Next you should obtain the words to the song and listen to it again, this time reading along to yourself. Depending on how quick you are you may need to repeat this process more than once. Please don't spend more than a week doing this, as you will probably become dehydrated. If you cannot find the words, even in this the information age, it is probably best, as dehydration is not pleasant. In this case you should listen to the song many times and sing along to the syllables for months. Hold on to the belief that you know the song during this time, and feel free to substitute words that sound like what you hear. If you are caught singing something stupid in front of a girl, such as 'purple song' in the place of 'my love goes on' then face the laughter and finger-pointing with courage and calmly say that the meaning was lost in translation and that you were into this song months ago when it was popular in Europe.

Feel free to tell girls that you really 'get' the song and that it reminds you of some poetry that you wrote about similar experiences throughout your exciting life. Please note that this will simply not work with the themes from television shows or children's song such as "Mary had a little lamb". That last example sends a very disturbing message to your date.

Be sure to dismiss popular music but don't exert too much energy doing so. Save your disgust for people who are already edgy, creative, and tragic. Tell the girl that Morrison and Kobain were happy little girls compared to the depth and range of your emotions. Feel free to refer to geniuses as talentless idiots cranking out cookie cutters albums. Name a few well-known bands with utter disgust and then quietly whisper that Jimi Hendrix could not play guitar and was faking; everyone was just too high to notice. After you are done ripping apart the top twenty acts of all time, she will ask you what sort of music you listen to. Make up some names and be sure to include a violent one, an ironic one, and one that is sweet sounding. Good names include: "Eat a baby kitten every Sunday", "Roses are bled", and "Eternal tears".

December 26, 2002

Writing advice

Very bad sentences to put in a book you are trying to sell:

• And then Mary did something very expected, since it has been foreshadowed and hinted at repeatedly over and over during the course of this novel.
  
• Robert was very, very mind-numbingly stupid. It was quite amazing that he had lived to the age of 18 without accidentally trying to lick a running lawn mower or tackle a speeding car. Everyday I would see him and stare at how his clothes were, in fact, mostly on in the right way while he dipped his hand in the coffee pot and then licked it clean, using his coffee cup to catch the drops he missed. He was, in a word, a mother-fucking moron. He reminded me very strongly of you, dear reader.
  
• When I look back on my life I realize that I have created and heard many fascinating stories that have never been told to anybody outside my circle of extremely famous and powerful friends. This story, however, was read to me as a child, and I am sure that you have heard it before.
  
• I must confess that my motivation in writing this book was as a brochure that I could distribute to create more customers for my main business, a suicide hotline.
  
• I will now describe what it looks like when my cat defacates in great detail. My cat always defacates in great detail.
  
• Her life was very ordinary, and she knew it. She would weep quietly to herself when she saw those Army commercials that said: "If someone was to write a book about your life, would anyone read it?", because she knew that, no, nobody would. This is that book.
  
• In this, Volume I of a 12-volume set, we will begin our pursuit of the truth regarding the systematic coverup of the fact that Ronald McDonald has been played by multiple people since I was a child.
  

December 19, 2002

Dark ages

I hope that I can still laugh at this over the next few years.

But it looks like it may not be funny anymore:

The USA Patriot Act changes some of Americans' fundamental legal rights in the name of the war on terror, including:

• Freedom of association: The government may monitor religious and political groups without evidence of criminal activity.
  
• Right to liberty: Americans may be jailed without being charged or being able to confront witnesses against them.
  
• Freedom from unreasonable searches: The government may search and seize Americans' papers and effects without probable cause to aid terrorism investigation.
  
• Freedom of speech: The government may prosecute librarians, telecommunication company officials and anyone else who reveals they have received a subpoena for records related to the terrorism investigation.
  
• Right to legal representation: The government may monitor penal communications between attorneys and clients, and deny lawyers to Americans accused of crimes.
  
• Right to a speedy and public trial: The government may jail Americans indefinitely without a trial.
  
• Freedom of information: The government has closed once-public immigration hearings, secretly detained hundreds of people without charges, and has encouraged bureaucrats to resist requests for public records under the Freedom of Information Act.
  
  

December 17, 2002

My addition to the lexicon

I am now going to create a new word that will soon sweep the nation. Be sure to start using it before any of your friends lest you be left behind. It is built out of another word that is very popular right now, but it takes it to the next level. You will soon hear this word spoken on the streets by all sorts of people, all of whom have felt its expressive power and use it with pure joy at its ability to capture the essence of their feelings. The word is fatherfucker. It is a little more naughty than motherfucker, with the added benefit of the sing-songiness of the inevitable fafo form to match mofo.
If this word takes off I am going to introduce a new line of curse words such as brotherfucker (brofo), which has a nice ring to it in my humble opinion, and lizardfucker (lizofo). There are many others, but they are trade secrets. These words will soon be used in combination, so don't be suprised if you find yourself saying:
Aw, motherfucker, the brotherfucking bills haven't been paid and the lizofo machine has all these messages from sisterfucking collectors. I am going to fatherfucking kill my roommate just as soon as that brofo comes tricyclefucking home.

November 19, 2002

Open letter

Dear Man with mustache who almost killed me yesterday,

Hi, I am the owner of a blue car. You may have seen me yesterday waiting to take a left onto a major road; I was the one with my left blinker on when you arrived at the stop sign on the other side of the road. Although I may be jumping the gun, I thought that we shared something during those five minutes waiting to turn together: the understanding that I was going first since I had arrived first. During those five minutes we exchanged various strange glances from across the busy two lane-highway and when my time came I was trusting in your ability to uphold our agreement.

Instead you decided that darting out like a little fucking chipmunk right in front of me would be better for both of us. This conclusion will prove to be false as the next time I see you I will rip your mustache off like a blind woman doing her first armpit wax, you mother-fucking asshole.

Sincerely,
the man in the blue car

November 05, 2002

Personals

Balding, overweight, hairy man. No self-esteem, career goals, or general intelligence. Mildly smelly and neurotic, few friends. Very critical of everyone but himself, given to long streaks of depression. Believes himself to be an above-average driver despite all evidence to the contrary. Horrible dresser, says the wrong things with suprising regularity. Lazy. Frightens children. Perverse beyond human comprehension. Condescending. Honest.

October 28, 2002

Delicious

Did you know that on average everybody swallows eight spiders a year while they sleep?

October 19, 2002

Superstore

While driving today I saw a truck with 3 bumper stickers. The first was for a local christian radio station, the second was a Jesus fish and the third was a confederate flag next to the words: The South was Right. I'm guessing that they bought these at different stores since Racist Christian bookstore went out of business. But then again, I could be prejudging this person just like I think they are prejudging - they could be talking about something else such as: The South was Right......about Shoney's being delicious.

Barista

Coding for fun and profit.

#!/d/perl/bin/perl.exe
# (void*)
# If I ever own a cafe it will be called
# 0xBADDECAF or just 0xCAFE, but what else could it be?

while (<>) {
   my @words = split;
   foreach my $word (@words) {
      next if $word =~ /[^a-fA-F]/;
      next if $seen{$word};
      $seen{$word} = 1;
   }
}
foreach my $word (sort (keys %seen)) {
   print $word, " ";
}


Administrator@6LFCB11 ~/code/perl
$ hexword books/bibleKJV.txt books/dictionary96.txt books/warAndPeace.txt
A AB Abbe Abda Add Added B BE Baca Bad Be C D De Dead Ebed F Feed a ab abaca abb
e accede ace ad add added b babe bad bade be bead bed bee beef c cab cd ce cf d
da daff de dead deaf deed e ebb efface f facade face faced fade faded fed fee fe
ed


That's it? Hmmm. Faded beef cafe? Feed da dead cafe? I guess I should just face da dead beef, I will never own a cafe.

October 17, 2002

Freak show

Absolutely crazy people are ruling the world. Speaking of crazy people, do you think this is the world's funniest joke?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

How about this:

What do you get when you cross an agnostic with a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there's a dog.

Babel

Fun for the whole family:

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

How much wood, in a position to play of marmot of America he, if marmot of America that a wood could play?

October 11, 2002

Sick Day

Every once in awhile everybody needs to take a sick day from work. You aren't sick, but you will be soon if you don't take a sick day. You need to come up with a good reason you are not at work. Some suggestions:

1. I broke my leg (hard to pull off when you walk into work the next day).


2. I broke somebody else's leg (very effective).


3. I saw my doctor and he said that I have congenital idontgiveafuckus, and that it might be contagious.


4. My cubicle is flooded, so I can't get to my computer.


5. I was driving to work today and I ran into a telephone pole. Then I realized that I hate you, so I'm not coming in today.


6. I worked 16 hours yesterday while you were at lunch, so I'm even, bitch.


7. My doctor said that my Blood-Bullshit level was high and that I should stay away from you for two days.


8. Um.. yesterday I farted hard in my cubicle and it hasn't worn off yet.


9. Frank was looking at me funny, so I killed him and am on the run from the cops today. (much more effective if Frank isn't at work that day)


10. In a crazed fit I pulled the toner cartridge out of the printer and poured it all over my body. Just wanted to let you know.


11. I forgot where the office is since I am a brilliant genius (as opposed to a stupid genius). Could you give me directions from Las Vegas?

The most effective excuse is:

I have food poisoning (mention a coworker's favorite restaurant or the company's cafeteria).

because they don't want you there today but it explains why you can be there tomorrow. Once you have made the call, you should make sure to maximize the day so that you enjoy it. Some suggestions on how to heal yourself on your day off assuming you used the food poisoning excuse:

1. Realize that you are not at work. Think about how much you needed a break from work. Think about your desk at work and how stressful it is. Now scratch yourself and yell your favorite curse-word at an 'above a whisper' level. Enjoy the fact that you can't do this at work. Do other things you can't do at work, like look out the window or throw water ballons at people's faces.
2. Make a cubicle-like fort out of pillows and cushions. Make yourself a little desk out of an old card table. Now urinate all over your cubicle, imagining that it is yours. Now go buy a new couch.
3. Go into work and play 'ninja assasin'. This is when you drive to work and try to sneak into work sight unseen in order to release your vengeance upon an ignorant victim by pulling out one of their nose hairs. Try to do this without being detected.
4. Perform 'Operation Get your company on the 6 o'clock news'. In this game that is fun for the whole family you sneak into work and place large amounts of methamphetamines (use Frosted Flakes if you can't get any of the good stuff) in one pot of coffee and sleeping pills in the other.
5. Drive to work and take a dump in the bushes outside your bosses office. Place a fan outside pointed at his window.
6. If your company is on the ground floor and people have windows, stand outside your favorite workers window and point at them until they see you. Now run away screaming like a little girl.
7. Don't get dressed today - and I mean don't get dressed. Then when you spill ketchup and yourself you can just take a shower.
8. Watch all the shows on TV that you normally can't thanks to the joys of capitalism. Throw stuff at the TV if you don't like what is going on and talk to the people on the TV like they are in the room but are having trouble hearing you (SCREW YOU REGIS, THAT WAS A GOOD MOVIE! (or change the channel, whatever floats YOUR boat)).
   
9. Get your roomate to fetch you strange things. Tell him/her to go get you some yogurt for your eyebrows, the biggest cherry she can find, an icepack full of frozen dark chocolates, and that latest edition of Cat Fancy
   This week's issue:
   
   
   
   • Furballs: is science nearing a cure?
     
   • Is licking ourselves in public ok?
     
   • "He was petting me the wrong way": one brave woman's tale of survival.
     
   
   
10. Dream about what you will do with all of the money you get from the ensuing lawsuit against the company cafeteria
    
    
    
    • Retire young and have massive plastic surgery so that you are attractive.
      
    • Escalator that can fold up into a water slide.
      
    • A monkey that is trained to be sarcastic all the time ("Oh wonderful, another banana")
      
    • Train a pack of lions to play football against each other.
      
    
    
11. If you have taken the injury excuse approach you need to think up how you got hurt:
    
    
    
    • a crazed fan tried to hug me and I lost my balance and fell down some stairs.
    
    
    • a vengance-seeking ninja attacked me on my way to work (me likey ninjas). Unable to fend him off with one hand and still maintain my pop-tart eating, I was forced to lunge at him and caused us both to tumble down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs the fight continued with me now injured and unable to stand normally. I was poised in the Karate Kid stance on my good leg while he tried to attack me using Myojinsoga-style traditional swordsmanship on the front lawn of my apartment complex. I was able to knock him out with a single kick between the eyes and then humiliate him by applying my lipstick onto his bruised face, thus forcing him into a life of ninja shame and ninja misery.
    
    
    • The elevator was broken, so I decided to take the stairs and for fun I tried to walk up them on my hands.
    
    
    • Just tell your co-workers that some girl was talking smack about you at the club and Lynly78 don't allow no young punks to talk junk about her and that you had to throw down. Word is bond. Lyn-to-the-el-to-da-why gots to represent the M-town in the A-town.
    
    
    • The coke machine at work took my change so I went crazy-mad-flex on it with my leg. (Point to hurt leg).
    
    
    • If anybody asks how it happens just say: "I asked somebody how they sprained their ankle." Stare at them with your arms outstreched until they leave.
    
    
    
    

Enjoy.

Everybody dance

We have an intercom at work, so every few minutes I hear:

Judy, dial 401
Judy, dial 401

with the exact same emphasis each time:

JUDY, dial 401
Judy, dial 4 - 0 - 1

which is a direct command, and everybody here is trained after a few weeks to just obey it. Maybe I should get on the horn:

JUDY, dance like a monkey
Judy, dance like a MON - KEY

October 08, 2002

Extrapolation

I don't know how well you can see this, but this is a map of what word people use to ask for a soda/coke/soft drink. Just in case it is too small, blue is "soda", green is "pop", red is "coke", and purple is "other". How do they do these studies? I took Intro to Linguistics from a woman who as her master's thesis had exactly duplicated a similar study (with many more words and phrases) that was done in the South 30 years ago. She went to the same towns and found people who were representative of the people studied earlier (according to socio-economic class, etc.). It took her years. Simply amazing, in that the amount of legwork done will always fail to find the true complexity of language that really exists.

October 02, 2002

Exploding whales

No matter how smart people are individually, they act a little different in groups.