April 28, 2005
Just kept running
While I was out jogging last weekend somebody threw a pinecone at me
and hit me square in the face. Now, there are a number of things to
talk about here.
First, why was I jogging on the weekend? Certainly this is a silly
thing for a grown man to do what with all the freaking gardening and
work-around-the-house that *has* to be done to prevent the earth from
falling off its axis into the ocean. Ok, so that doesn't make sense
to you but it does to me in the same way that running instead of
sitting on the couch eating taquitos off my chest does.
Second, where did they get the pinecone? Oh, an important detail is
that they threw it from a car. Most cars don't come with pinecones
standard so it was either pre-meditated or a
dirty-to-the-point-of-containing-live-evergreen-vegitation (DTTPOCLEV)
car. Quick sidenote: as a former owner of a DTTPOCLEV, pollen season
sucks.
Third, how did they throw it so accurately? The car was moving (maybe
15 mph) and so was I (maybe 6-7 mph). Perhaps they had calculated the
attack in advance and had used cutting-edge mathematics
("trigonometry" and the like) to decide when and how to throw the
pinecone in order to hit me squarely in the face.
Fourth, how did I react? The cone hit me in the face and shook my
glasses almost off my face. After grabbing these and making sure that
they didn't fall off I slowed down, stunned. I didn't know what to do
in much the same way that black people don't know what to do when they
are confronted by direct, in-your-face racism after years of being
used to the indirect kind. No, I am not comparing this to racism - I
am saying I didn't know what to do. I love all black people - they
are great.
Fifth, how did they react? If they were teenagers messing around then
I would expect a honk, spinning tires and perhaps some yelling with
Freebird playing in the background. I heard none of this. The person
who threw it didn't even seem to react to the result; after hitting
me, again, squarely in the face, he simply leaned back into the
backseat fully and they sped up and kept going. This can only mean
one thing - they were assasins.
Sixth, what sort of assasins were they? Clearly, very stupid and
ineffective ones.
Seventh, how should I have reacted? This point is clear. I should
have sped up to match their speed without hesitation after getting
hit, then thrown my shoulder into the "sweet spot" behind their
backdoor thus causing them to lose traction and tailspin the car until
they went into the ditch and burst into flames. Then of course piss
on the ashes and continue my short jog.