October 31, 2003

My new "go-to" words when I am trying to remember the next line during my one-hour comedic ad-libs around the water cooler:

  • Boo-fucking-hoo
  • Well, that's neither here nor there
  • Pues
  • That's six of one and half-dozen of another
  • Yes, but can she suck it through a garden hose?
  • My uncle used to do that to me
  • Yes, but can we ratify that?
  • You know, the difference between theory and practice is much greater in practice than in theory
  • So I says to the guy: "Stop wearing panty hose?"
  • Do you think that they will accept that, or should the beatings continue?
08:12 PM part of a balanced breakfast

October 30, 2003

Now's the time in the show where I look at my gigs of server logs and make fun of the people who have found this site through web searches.

I should say, before you look at the list, that I was suprised to find out how many people look for weird shit on the web, and how many of them appear to find it here.

I think that as you read these you will find that they provide a fresh cross-section of very deep sadness. Searching for something on the web is, in a way, a very desperate lonely act. You don't have the advice of friends or family, so you look up something using a machine and try to draw from the experience of others. In a way, the items below paint a picture of a porn-seeking racist loner who makes me want to cry.




09:04 PM part of unavoidable sadness

October 29, 2003

"It is not what's inside your head, it's what your head's inside."

David Foster Wallace

02:52 PM part of inspiration

October 28, 2003



<% If IsNull(item) Then %>
.
<% else %>
<%=item%>
<% end if %>

01:11 PM part of software hall of shame

This, in my opinion, is a gross misallocation of programmer time. Nobody wants to spend time maintaining comments.

<br /> <!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------><br /> <form name="assignunitsfrm" method="post" action="so_assignunits.asp?submitForm=true&actionString=WO"> <br /> <!------------------------------------------Hidden Variables------------------------------------------></p> <p><input type="hidden" name="hiddensave"><br /> <input type="hidden" name="hiddenreturn"><br /> <input type="hidden" name="hiddendeleteArrayIndex"><br /> <input type="hidden" name="hiddendelete"><br /> <input type="hidden" name="hiddencreateassets"></p> <p><!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------><br />

01:09 PM part of software hall of shame

As often happens to me, I have been watching bits and pieces of a movie over a number of months. Last night I watched about an hour of 13 conversations about one thing to follow up on the 15 minutes that I was able to catch last week. I rewatched the 15 minutes last night as well, but this time in a different context since I had a rough idea what the film was about. It is a tribute to the film that despite not knowing many of the important plot details, I still cried like a baby at the end.

12:16 PM part of personal

A developer friend of mine worked the support/development line at a small company. One of his calls one day was complaining about how he couldn't get the software to send something via email. After digging through the code, he found the following structure:

<br /> if faxTransmission then<br /> // Fax transmission<br /> ...<br /> ...<br /> [10K lines of code]<br /> else if emailTransmission<br /> // TODO when there is time<br />

12:07 PM part of software hall of shame

October 27, 2003

Dear you-know,

I am not the person that I want to be. Instead of being the relaxed, comfortable, kind-to-all, grown-up, together, strong-in-faith, protector, provider, loving, funny man that I want to be, I am instead a child in a big, big world.

You have overwhelmed me with the details; before when things were simple I could get by on what I thought was my own: my own knowledge, my own smarts, my own luck, my own will. Now, the details are overwhelming. There are 401Ks, there are car payments, there are future plans outside of this weekend, there are other people depending on me, there are decisions that have consequences outside of a semester's time, there are so many things that can go wrong. And as I grown, I see the great wave of experience washing away the dirt from my sight and breaking down the rocks that have prevented me from letting go.

There is not a division of labor like I had always thought: there are not some things like buying groceries or dealing with details at work that are better left to me down here. There are not things like keeping a job or having food on the table that are better left to you. You are my friend first, and you care about all of it and help me with all that I need help in. The division is thus: you do it all, and I see it first-hand.

I love you.

12:17 PM part of personal

October 23, 2003

Evidencia cada vez mayor de una obsesión profunda con café

09:12 PM part of personal

October 20, 2003

' modified on Sunday oct 20, 2002

with no mention of what has changed.

06:07 PM part of software hall of shame

A coworker just came up to me and said, in response to me asking him about his weekend (which involved a trip to the northeast U.S.), something that was completely incomprehensible. Instead of trying to figure out what he said, which always drives me crazy, I have decided to change my own future within my own power and just make up something and act like he said this, and that I understood him.

He said: "Hostage situation - made it out alive though - how was your's?"

01:14 PM part of personal

October 16, 2003

Conversation from another time:

Ok, so I get email?
Earthlink representative: You get the ability to create 3 email addresses.

Cool, and I can have a webpage?
Earthlink representative: Yes, you can create a webpage if you like.

How much space do I get?
Hmmm.... Let me check. (Several minutes later) Sir? You get an entire webpage.

12:18 PM part of tech

October 15, 2003

An aptitude test:

Do you prefer hard facts, or personal opinions?

  • Hard facts
  • Personal opinions

Which of the following do you value more when forming your opinions?

  • Numbers and evidence
  • The views and experiences of your peers

Which of the following would you rather do for the rest of your life if you had to choose?

  • Add up numbers
  • Paint with your eyes closed

Would you rather be in a group or alone?

  • In a group
  • Alone

Are you stupid enough not to see right through this test?

  • Yes
  • No

08:09 PM part of personal

October 11, 2003

The world's most pleasant working environment, if you have to work on a Saturday:

  • Wife is busy shopping with friends all day, so no feeling like a jerk for having to work.
  • Weather is beautiful, and your porch gets wireless access from the study.
  • Kid next door having a birthday party complete with rented blow-up plastic thing, so lots of cool "ambient noise" (they just got done singing him happy birthday).
  • Slight wind and the sound of distant planes to sooth the nerves.
  • Starbucks in the fridge and nearby if you need it.
  • You don't need it.
  • Hours of competitive, exciting college football on TV.
  • The knowledge that if you can't get all the work done today, there is always late tonight and tomorrow to do it, and if you do then late tonight and tomorrow will be spent doing absolutely nothing.
08:32 PM part of work

October 10, 2003

Dear everybody,

I got here at 6am today. I also stayed until 7pm today. When I got home, around 9pm I starting thinking about all the stuff I had to do, so I worked for about an hour. This has been going on for a few weeks, and looks to continue.

The above information has relevance to all of you only because it will explain the fact that today I will not wear shoes while in the office. I will, however, continue to go to the needed meetings and work in a normal, professional manner. I will wear shoes at lunch and in the bathroom. Yes, my left sock has seen better days, and yes, that is my big toe sticking its entire self out, and yes, I have had three highly unsuccessful ingrown-toenail surgeries on it, and yes, you can go fuck yourself.

Thanks.

11:25 AM part of work

October 08, 2003

  • Feeling sleepy all the time, despite starbuck's best effort
  • It being dark when you get there and dark when you leave
  • Spending your lunch hour just sitting in your car underneath a tree, listening to the traffic and hearing the wind
  • Getting angry at your coworkers because it is all their fault, dammit
  • Feeling as if you own the place
  • Almost like you are part of a conference; you go back to the hotel to sleep only
  • Let things fall to the floor; errands aren't even on the todo list
  • No traffic, get to work easily - to and from, to and from
01:38 PM part of personal

October 07, 2003

If you get to work early, like pyscho-early, nobody will be there but you and so you won't get credit for it. If you stay late, then everybody will sort of know it, but the last one to leave will go with the knowledge that you may just leave 5 minutes after they do, so you won't get credit for this either.

The trick is to have proof that you were there and that you were working. If you know that you are going to stay late, don't send any emails all day. Save them until 8:04pm when you are about to leave, then send them all at once. This will show people that you are a go-getter instead of a jerk with 23 open emails message on his desktop everyday.

This can also work in the morning, but is harder to pull off since if you stayed the night before you don't have anything to write about since everyone you work with hasn't done shit since you were last in the office. Just find any old excuse to write an email. Make sure that you include relevant details to prove that you at the office and not at home writing emails like a deuche bag:


To: Dave
From: Ralph
Date: October 7th, 5:46am

Hey Dave,
In regards to the email I sent you last night, let me reiterate whatever I said again.

Hey, there is no coffee made yet - I wonder why? Also, man was it cold this morning while I drove to work at the asshole of dawn!

Sincerely,
Ralph

06:26 PM part of work

October 06, 2003

What do computer programmers do?
{ an open letter to all their Mom's }

  • Create floorplans with their mind.
  • Learn and improve the ways businesses handle their numbers.
  • Constantly learn new tools to do the above.
  • Communicate clearly and think very abstractly.
  • Get all the details right eventually.
  • Think creatively.
  • Think extremely pragmatically.
  • Get paid decent money; don't have any company loyalty.
  • Get to dress casually.
  • Can be a little weird; argue easily about very, very little things.
  • Get frustrated when things don't work, but ultimately love it and are therefore not truly motivated to ensure that everything is perfect.
  • Some computer programmers, if they wanted to, could read your email, take down websites, go places they aren't supposed to, etc. but don't.
  • Sometimes have bad posture and grunt when bothered while working.
  • Like to read and drink stimulants.
  • Can type really fast sometimes, while others peck with 2 fingers.
  • Are good problem-solvers.
  • Like eating interesting food.
  • Overall have no sense of the history of their profession and therefore do not go read the classics like in many related professions.
01:06 PM part of tech

October 02, 2003

if streetname	= "*.*" then
   continue = true
else
   continue = false
...


if continue=false then

   exit function

end if

07:38 PM part of software hall of shame 

[certainextent.com]$ cat sleep
try {
        sleep;
}
catch {
        do { turn; }
        until(ready);
}
finally {
        awake;
}
[certainextent.com]$ ./sleep
bash: ./sleep: Permission denied
[certainextent.com]$ perl sleep
Segmentation fault
[certainextent.com]$
07:34 PM part of a balanced breakfast