May 01, 2005

While I was out jogging last weekend somebody threw a pinecone at me and hit me square in the face. Now, there are a number of things to talk about here.

First, why was I jogging on the weekend? Certainly this is a silly thing for a grown man to do what with all the freaking gardening and work-around-the-house that *has* to be done to prevent the earth from falling off its axis into the ocean. Ok, so that doesn't make sense to you but it does to me in the same way that running instead of sitting on the couch eating taquitos off my chest does.

Second, where did they get the pinecone? Oh, an important detail is that they threw it from a car. Most cars don't come with pinecones standard so it was either pre-meditated or a dirty-to-the-point-of-containing-live-evergreen-vegitation (DTTPOCLEV) car. Quick sidenote: as a former owner of a DTTPOCLEV, pollen season sucks.

Third, how did they throw it so accurately? The car was moving (maybe 15 mph) and so was I (maybe 6-7 mph). Perhaps they had calculated the attack in advance and had used cutting-edge mathematics ("trigonometry" and the like) to decide when and how to throw the pinecone in order to hit me squarely in the face.

Fourth, how did I react? The cone hit me in the face and shook my glasses almost off my face. After grabbing these and making sure that they didn't fall off I slowed down, stunned. I didn't know what to do in much the same way that black people don't know what to do when they are confronted by direct, in-your-face racism after years of being used to the indirect kind. No, I am not comparing this to racism - I am saying I didn't know what to do. I love all black people - they are great.

Fifth, how did they react? If they were teenagers messing around then I would expect a honk, spinning tires and perhaps some yelling with Freebird playing in the background. I heard none of this. The person who threw it didn't even seem to react to the result; after hitting me, again, squarely in the face, he simply leaned back into the backseat fully and they sped up and kept going. This can only mean one thing - they were assasins.

Sixth, what sort of assasins were they? Clearly, very stupid and ineffective ones.

Seventh, how should I have reacted? This point is clear. I should have sped up to match their speed without hesitation after getting hit, then thrown my shoulder into the "sweet spot" behind their backdoor thus causing them to lose traction and tailspin the car until they went into the ditch and burst into flames. Then of course piss on the ashes and continue my short jog.

May 1, 2005 03:28 AM