February 21, 2003

Job Interview

Name a situation in which the odds were against you and you prevailed?

Well when I was working at my last job we had a very important project that required me to put in at least 80 hours a weeks for long stretches of months. We successfully shipped the product and I was commended on my hard work, with the CEO saying that they couldn't have done it without me.

[Well when I was working at my last job I was widely considered to be a drooling idiot. Despite all the negative press if you will, I still willed myself out of bed every morning, got in my car and drove towards a sort of slow mental suicide in which I willingly had the spirit sucked out of me like some sort of self-for-money swapping program.]

So would you say is your biggest weakness?

Well, I have been known to work too hard sometimes, losing awareness of those around me and falling into what can easily be described as a 'genius trance' wherein all problems and their solutions are seen swirling around in my cup of coffee. During this time I am sometimes rude to my coworkers, since I feel my time when I am in this state is better spent solving problems than talking to dickwads such as them.

[I can't concentrate and I hate myself. Well maybe that is a bit too extreme. I don't hate myself, I hate the person that I am at work and my life in general sometimes. I think that my greatest weakness is that my job sucks the life out of me like juice out of a slurpie - leaving only the cold, colorless, tastless, waste of a full but empty cup which is discarded and forgotten.]

How did you find out about us?

Well, I have a very good friend who has a friend who worked here and said that it was great. I have also seen your products in action.

[As I mentioned a moment ago, my life is effectively over. I would enjoy being clothed and fed while I rot slowly, twitching in vain while I await death. This is why I am here giving you a psychological blowjob - because I need this job like a I need a working toilet.]

Are you a team player?

Oh yes, I have worked on many successful and unsuccessful projects with a wide variety of people where I learned how to work with others in an effective and stress-free way to get the job done right the first time.

[Well, of course I am you little fuck. Who told you that I wasn't? Was it that little shit Martinez! I shoulda cut that prick down when I had the chance.
I am very good at working with others. Here is the way it usually pans out: I don't know what I am doing, so I hang around with people who do until I am comfortable to contribute a little. When I do get any criticism I curl up like a little girl and cry myself to sleep in my cubicle over lunch. So rest assured that I am quite the team player - much in the same way that the team mascot is.]

What do you feel is your greatest strengh?

I am a genius who is very creative and good at seeing the big picture.

[The other day I was looking at the big picture and it seems to break down something like this: I hate you, I hate myself, and I would rather die in a blaze of glory than rot in a windowless cubicle - a mythical shoebox on this enormous wasted shell of a planet. I would rather throw this cup of coffee in your face, flip over your desk and run out past security, who would shoot me down in my tracks a few feet from the door to the outside promise of an interesting life.]

When can you start?

Today.

[Today.]

February 21, 2003 03:38 PM