January 30, 2003

Visions of bathrooms

I was walking home from work today and thinking about the future. I apparently should have been thinking about the present because I walked right into a rather large man, knocking him to the ground. Looking down at him on the sidewalk I realized that I probably should have seen him given that he was blue-skinned and wearing nothing but a vest and yellow pants.

"Congratulations, sir" he said and smiled at me, still not getting up.

I offered my hand to him: "Sorry about that, I didn't even see you". I was trying to ignore the blue skin as hard as I could.

"You have won my services for a few hours, don't feel sorry" he replied, still smiling and looking quite comfortable laying diagonally across the line between the sidwalk blocks.

"Ok, and what does that mean?" I reply sheepishly. I'm playing along now with this crazy person, all the while trying to keep the phrase 'Alien Male Hooker' below the surface.

"I am a genie, one of the last in fact".

"You mean like a 3 wishes sort of genie?". (This crazy person game is fun.)

"Well not really. You were thinking about your future and so I will give you 3 images from your future for you to look at for 3 seconds each. After this you can ask me 3 questions about each."

"Why all the 3s?" I ask, somehow suprised at how I am playing along. My only questions is why 3s? How about asking him where he got that vest/pants combo, the I-Never-Want-To-Have-Sex-R-Us?

"You said 3, I never did".

"Ok, so if I had said 40 then I would be able to see 40?"

"Yes, of course".

"Crap."

"Yep. So, are you ready to get started?"

"What sort of 'images' do you mean anyway? Like visions or pictures?"

"Well, I go and pick a random day in your life at a random time in the future. I then pick a random second in the day and take a snapshot of what your future self is looking at. I then show this to you. You then ask me three questions about what the hell you are looking at, and I answer them".

"Ok, sounds good." (I should run into strange mean more often. Ew, glad I didn't say that one outloud.)

"Ok, first one coming up."

He is suddenly standing, and looks over my shoulder - concentrating now, and then laughing like a little girl all of a sudden. Not good - my future is funny. He turns back to me.

"Ok, we have the first one."

Before I can say anything I look around and all I can see, no matter where I turn my head, is the wall of what looks like a very large bathroom. It is maybe five feet away. It is white, tiled, and clean. There is a magazine in the very corner of the image. The image fades and I focus on the blue teeth that are now visible from my companion.

"Can't do much about that, the times are picked completely randomly."

"Seriously, me taking a shit, this is just a waste of time. Half the time I am sleeping anyway - the other two could be just as bad."

"Ok, do you have any questions?"

"About what, my bathroom?"

"Yes. 2 more."

"What?"

"The bathroom. 1 more".

"Piece of crap... Ok, since the bathroom appears to be big, am I rich?"

"Well, I don't know your definition of rich, but it isn't your bathroom, so I can't really tell."

"What?, this is just a waste."

"Well, I didn't make you any promises, and it is not like you have anything to lose."

"Yeah, go ahead". (Maybe I am on TV - but how am I seeing these thing?)

I'm pissed off - I have important walking to do - and I am not prepared for the next image and only see it for a split second. It is of a person, sitting across from me in a restaurant. I can't tell if they are male of female, but they are smiling. My glance at the image makes it seem blurry to me, but the smile is front and center, and very clear.

"Who is that?"

"A friend".

"What age am I in this picture?"

"You are 35".

"Wow". For some reason this answer hits me like a ton of bricks. I had never really thought of what I would be doing that far from now. It is very strange to think of my future self. What am I like? Who am I? What do I look like? I am suddenly very afraid. There is so much that could happen to me.

"Am I ok then?"

He sort of gives me a weird look and then says: "Of course you are. I can only tell you what was in the picture, but you seem to be having a good time, and your friend is too. You know, that was a waste of a question, dumbass."

"Ok." (This is a lot to process. Shouldn't this be making me feel better? Did he just call me a dumbass? Am I on TV? Is his tongue really yellow?)

The next image is of a girl, a strikingly cute one, standing in front of me with one hand on her hip, the other one raised in an effort to get me to look at something off to the right. I don't - thank god-, and I am left staring at her profile and the way her hair is tucked behind her ears. She is maybe 17 - I am really bad at guessing ages - but she is very pretty.

The image disappears and I am left wondering. Who is this girl? I seem to be enthralled with her in some way - we are close enough to argue it appears. Then a very scary thought enters my head.

"Is my wife going to leave me?"

"No."

"Am I old at this time?"

"Yes."

(Crap, should have asked how old.)

"Well, then who is the girl?"

"Your daughter".

"My daughter?"

"3 questions only please."

Everything suddenly falls into place. I have a daughter. I am ok, and we are ok. Of course she was striking, she takes after her mother. I am breathe out slowly, I feel my hands tingle and I stretch my arms out in front of me and look past them to me legs.

I start to walk home. My companion goes back to hide in the bushes.

January 30, 2003 01:25 PM