January 16, 2003
Footprints
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
So in his dream he asked the Lord about it.
"Why are there only one set of footprints during my hardest times?"
"Those are your footprints; I was flying around during those times."
"Flying?.... Flying Jesus?"
"Yes. But the flying is a little redundant anyway; you wouldn't say Flying Superman would you? It is assumed that I can fly - I am Jesus Christ, I can do anything."
"Why were you flying above me during those times when I needed you the most?"
"Why do you assume that I wasn't helping you? Just because I was flying around doesn't mean I wasn't helping you. I can help you from anywhere. I multitask; I am Jesus Christ."
"Why weren't you flying around during the good times, but only the bad?"
"Well, to be honest you are sort of a dick when you are going through bad times and you tend to be a jerk to people for no reason. I like to not see your face so much when you are like that. I put some much work into you that when you are happy I like to be there then though."
"Did you just say di..."
"Dick? Yes. Oh, here we go."
"But you are Jesus, you can't cuss"
"The word dick is of the earth - just like asshole, fuck, shit, bitch, etc. They are simply words that you people have decided (without my intervention) are bad. Most, like dick, bad because they were used by a particular group of people that the majority didn't like. So if you said them then you were like the oppressed minority and so they were bad to say."
"But in the bible.."
"That is something completely different. When a group of people took over another group destroying their civilization they also took in small bits of their culture including some of their vocabulary. But some cultures were so against other groups that they thought that they could decide what you should and should not say, so they decided that words from them were evil and should not be said."
"Ok, that makes sense, but what about not cursing and not taking the Lord's name in vain..."
"Well, that pisses me off big time. "
"Which one?"
"Well I don't like it when people say goddamn or go to hell because those are orders and I don't like you guys bossing me around. I also don't like it when people say Jesus Fucking Christ because it sounds to me like Bob Fucking Robert (if your name was Bob) and I don't like the sound of that at all."
"So you are against faggots?"
"Well, now that is another term that I am not quite fond of. It is similar in some ways to nigger, which I don't like either. Here is why. All words mean nothing. Study a different language and you will learn this. You will also learn that all words mean everything; they have complex meanings that cannot be defined even by the people who understand them the best and use them everyday. Words like faggot and nigger are said during violent acts against fellow humans. They cause real pain to people even when they aren't followed up by violence."
"Well in that case don't words like asshole hurt to? I mean there are people who can be offended by words like this if they aren't used to them then they sound very harsh and can hurt."
"Very good. This is true. You see I don't really care what people say but what they mean by it and what other people think that they mean. If you says Jesus Christ when you stub your toe I don't really mind because you probably aren't really meaning it. When you say Jesus Christ when your car hydroplanes I listen."
"This has been very enlightening."
"Well, I am Jesus. That is sort of part of my job description."
"Can you create a rock too big for you to lift?"
"Salamanders"
"What?"
"Words don't mean anything. Didn't I just tell you that? It doesn't matter what I say. It matters what I do."
"Umm.. So if you wanted to create a rock that you couldn't lift then you could otherwise you couldn't or wouldn't create it, right?"
"I don't think that you are understanding this at all."
"Well then if you can't do anything with talk then tell me how I can see your actions."
"Well, first of all they have nothing to do with rocks. You guys are so tied up in the physical it is amazing. The rock thing is not my favorite form of mental masturbation that you guys do. My favorite is your idea of heaven. I once heard this sunday school class talk about whether or not a crack addict's heaven would be a room full of crack for all eternity. Amazing, like twenty minutes worth."
"Well?"
"Well what? I told you, it has nothing to do with crack rocks."
"Very funny"
"What? You didn't expect Jesus to be funny? Who do you think invented humor anyway? Do you think it evolved?"
"Well, I haven't really thought of that. I just thought that humor is just part of us. In-born. Fish don't have senses of humor. Or maybe we learn it. Some families are just funny because the parents have a sense of humor while other people just don't laugh much."
"Physical again all over. Genetics or environment. Both of those are so physical it makes me want to teach you how to fly just to show you. What are you thinking right now?"
"What do you mean. Don't you know?"
"I do, but the point is that you don't. When I said I was going to teach you to fly you got all excited about what it would feel like to see everything from above, to feel the wind. Then you thought about how it would be cool to be the only person who had ever flown. This made you proud and then you thought about how you are talking to Jesus and how people aren't going to believe this - pride. Just a complex form of physical pleasure. Physical, physical, physical."
"Wow."
"Why are you so amazed? No physical explanation. No computer wire between you and me. You are so hard-wired to think about things empirically that you can't even imagine the fact that right now you are back at home dreaming in your bed unless you imagine time passing. But it isn't. I just took you away and talked to you for ten minutes, but when you physically return no time will have passed. Sounds like bullshit doesn't it?"
"Yes."
"Well, there you go. "
"Are you saying that the talk is over?"
"Well pretty much, you only have one question left to ask me."
"No I don't... Oh! What is the meaning of life?"
"Salamanders."
"What?... You have-"
"Just kidding. Man you are quick to get angry aren't you? Listen very closely as this applies to you especially."
"Ok."
"Be nice to people."
"That's it!"
"That's a lot! I, Jesus Christ, just told you to be nice to people and you are yelling at Me, the Son of God approximately .8 seconds after I told you how to live the rest of your life."
"Oh. Sorry. Are you mad?"
"I don't get mad, I can't. That is the point. I can do anything I want - from simply destroying the world to tripping random joggers to turning up the volume on pain. But I don't."
"But what about floods and earthquakes?"
"Rocks."
"So what do you do exactly?"
"Well that is what you will spend the rest of your life doing."
"Oh. Not very comforting."
"Oh, I'm comforting, but you asked."
"Ok. Well, thanks. "
"See you later. Hehe."
"Why do you laugh?"
"Inside joke. Wouldn't it be silly to tell your jogging partner see you later as you ran beside him on the first lap? Hehe!"