January 07, 2003

5 year plan

If I were to ever write a book I would write it about the process of writing books, much like some authors do as their last book after years of churning out good text. This guide to writing from a first-time author would discuss how to type, how to proofread, how to print out, and how to throw away your own work. It would also illustrate how to ignore those that don't like your work and think that you can't spell, allowing you to make up a world in which you can create without ever worrying about what other people think, which should be, after all, your ultimate goal.

My second book would be a romantic novel full of fifty-page love scenes. It would be distributed in its entirety on the back of chinese restaurant menus that I would hand out to people on the street.

My third book would be an in-depth study of something very boring, like the history of microwaves and how they work. It would be written in shorthand on a typewriter and would have no corrections. I will distribute this book by going into a very large university library and placing a copy at the same location on every shelf over a period of two months.

My fourth book would be an in-depth analysis of the rise and fall of a made-up civilization called the Hoowats. This multi-volume work would be quite comprehensive, with juicy primary source documents photographed and arranged nicely within its dense pages, backing up my previously outrageous claims of the overall silliness of the Hoowats. This book would also be distributed by hand in libraries, but will be placed in the Western History sections.

My fifth book would start each and every sentence with a different letter of the alphabet alphabetically starting with 'd'. This cycle would repeat and would serve to keep me, a highly successful five-book author, occupied during its creation. It would not matter what this book is about.

My sixth book would be a legal-crime-mystery-drama with an alcoholic-perverted-divorced lawyer leading an exciting case about a rich-arrogant-genius-teenager in jail for murder-jaywalking-stabbing-double parking-blackmailing. It will be written in French, which I will learn during its creation, and set in Paris, which I will avoid during its creation. It will be distributed only in the United States.

My seventh book would be a childrens' story about a cute bear named Shuggles who goes on an amazing journey over the course of 3,000 pages in very small text with no illustrations.

January 7, 2003 09:25 PM