January 07, 2003

Brotherly advice

How to know about music to impress girls

First of all, you need to know the words to some songs. Listen to a song once all the way through without really paying attention to the words at all. This will allow you to hear the 'music' and read the meaning 'between the lines'. It will also free you from the awful realization that most music is really shitty poetry about people having sexual intercourse and then not having sexual intercourse and then talking about it. Next you should obtain the words to the song and listen to it again, this time reading along to yourself. Depending on how quick you are you may need to repeat this process more than once. Please don't spend more than a week doing this, as you will probably become dehydrated. If you cannot find the words, even in this the information age, it is probably best, as dehydration is not pleasant. In this case you should listen to the song many times and sing along to the syllables for months. Hold on to the belief that you know the song during this time, and feel free to substitute words that sound like what you hear. If you are caught singing something stupid in front of a girl, such as 'purple song' in the place of 'my love goes on' then face the laughter and finger-pointing with courage and calmly say that the meaning was lost in translation and that you were into this song months ago when it was popular in Europe.

Feel free to tell girls that you really 'get' the song and that it reminds you of some poetry that you wrote about similar experiences throughout your exciting life. Please note that this will simply not work with the themes from television shows or children's song such as "Mary had a little lamb". That last example sends a very disturbing message to your date.

Be sure to dismiss popular music but don't exert too much energy doing so. Save your disgust for people who are already edgy, creative, and tragic. Tell the girl that Morrison and Kobain were happy little girls compared to the depth and range of your emotions. Feel free to refer to geniuses as talentless idiots cranking out cookie cutters albums. Name a few well-known bands with utter disgust and then quietly whisper that Jimi Hendrix could not play guitar and was faking; everyone was just too high to notice. After you are done ripping apart the top twenty acts of all time, she will ask you what sort of music you listen to. Make up some names and be sure to include a violent one, an ironic one, and one that is sweet sounding. Good names include: "Eat a baby kitten every Sunday", "Roses are bled", and "Eternal tears".

January 7, 2003 09:20 PM