December 26, 2002
Writing advice
Very bad sentences to put in a book you are trying to sell:
- And then Mary did something very expected, since it has been foreshadowed and hinted at repeatedly over and over during the course of this novel.
- Robert was very, very mind-numbingly stupid. It was quite amazing that he had lived to the age of 18 without accidentally trying to lick a running lawn mower or tackle a speeding car. Everyday I would see him and stare at how his clothes were, in fact, mostly on in the right way while he dipped his hand in the coffee pot and then licked it clean, using his coffee cup to catch the drops he missed. He was, in a word, a mother-fucking moron. He reminded me very strongly of you, dear reader.
- When I look back on my life I realize that I have created and heard many fascinating stories that have never been told to anybody outside my circle of extremely famous and powerful friends. This story, however, was read to me as a child, and I am sure that you have heard it before.
- I must confess that my motivation in writing this book was as a brochure that I could distribute to create more customers for my main business, a suicide hotline.
- I will now describe what it looks like when my cat defacates in great detail. My cat always defacates in great detail.
- Her life was very ordinary, and she knew it. She would weep quietly to herself when she saw those Army commercials that said: "If someone was to write a book about your life, would anyone read it?", because she knew that, no, nobody would. This is that book.
- In this, Volume I of a 12-volume set, we will begin our pursuit of the truth regarding the systematic coverup of the fact that Ronald McDonald has been played by multiple people since I was a child.