October 11, 2002

Sick Day

Every once in awhile everybody needs to take a sick day from work. You aren't sick, but you will be soon if you don't take a sick day. You need to come up with a good reason you are not at work. Some suggestions:


  1. I broke my leg (hard to pull off when you walk into work the next day).

  2. I broke somebody else's leg (very effective).

  3. I saw my doctor and he said that I have congenital idontgiveafuckus, and that it might be contagious.

  4. My cubicle is flooded, so I can't get to my computer.

  5. I was driving to work today and I ran into a telephone pole. Then I realized that I hate you, so I'm not coming in today.

  6. I worked 16 hours yesterday while you were at lunch, so I'm even, bitch.

  7. My doctor said that my Blood-Bullshit level was high and that I should stay away from you for two days.

  8. Um.. yesterday I farted hard in my cubicle and it hasn't worn off yet.

  9. Frank was looking at me funny, so I killed him and am on the run from the cops today. (much more effective if Frank isn't at work that day)

  10. In a crazed fit I pulled the toner cartridge out of the printer and poured it all over my body. Just wanted to let you know.

  11. I forgot where the office is since I am a brilliant genius (as opposed to a stupid genius). Could you give me directions from Las Vegas?

The most effective excuse is:

I have food poisoning (mention a coworker's favorite restaurant or the company's cafeteria).

because they don't want you there today but it explains why you can be there tomorrow. Once you have made the call, you should make sure to maximize the day so that you enjoy it. Some suggestions on how to heal yourself on your day off assuming you used the food poisoning excuse:


  1. Realize that you are not at work. Think about how much you needed a break from work. Think about your desk at work and how stressful it is. Now scratch yourself and yell your favorite curse-word at an 'above a whisper' level. Enjoy the fact that you can't do this at work. Do other things you can't do at work, like look out the window or throw water ballons at people's faces.

  2. Make a cubicle-like fort out of pillows and cushions. Make yourself a little desk out of an old card table. Now urinate all over your cubicle, imagining that it is yours. Now go buy a new couch.

  3. Go into work and play 'ninja assasin'. This is when you drive to work and try to sneak into work sight unseen in order to release your vengeance upon an ignorant victim by pulling out one of their nose hairs. Try to do this without being detected.

  4. Perform 'Operation Get your company on the 6 o'clock news'. In this game that is fun for the whole family you sneak into work and place large amounts of methamphetamines (use Frosted Flakes if you can't get any of the good stuff) in one pot of coffee and sleeping pills in the other.

  5. Drive to work and take a dump in the bushes outside your bosses office. Place a fan outside pointed at his window.

  6. If your company is on the ground floor and people have windows, stand outside your favorite workers window and point at them until they see you. Now run away screaming like a little girl.

  7. Don't get dressed today - and I mean don't get dressed. Then when you spill ketchup and yourself you can just take a shower.

  8. Watch all the shows on TV that you normally can't thanks to the joys of capitalism. Throw stuff at the TV if you don't like what is going on and talk to the people on the TV like they are in the room but are having trouble hearing you (SCREW YOU REGIS, THAT WAS A GOOD MOVIE! (or change the channel, whatever floats YOUR boat)).

  9. Get your roomate to fetch you strange things. Tell him/her to go get you some yogurt for your eyebrows, the biggest cherry she can find, an icepack full of frozen dark chocolates, and that latest edition of Cat Fancy
    This week's issue:

    • Furballs: is science nearing a cure?
    • Is licking ourselves in public ok?
    • "He was petting me the wrong way": one brave woman's tale of survival.

  10. Dream about what you will do with all of the money you get from the ensuing lawsuit against the company cafeteria

    • Retire young and have massive plastic surgery so that you are attractive.
    • Escalator that can fold up into a water slide.
    • A monkey that is trained to be sarcastic all the time ("Oh wonderful, another banana")
    • Train a pack of lions to play football against each other.

  11. If you have taken the injury excuse approach you need to think up how you got hurt:

    • a crazed fan tried to hug me and I lost my balance and fell down some stairs.

    • a vengance-seeking ninja attacked me on my way to work (me likey ninjas). Unable to fend him off with one hand and still maintain my pop-tart eating, I was forced to lunge at him and caused us both to tumble down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs the fight continued with me now injured and unable to stand normally. I was poised in the Karate Kid stance on my good leg while he tried to attack me using Myojinsoga-style traditional swordsmanship on the front lawn of my apartment complex. I was able to knock him out with a single kick between the eyes and then humiliate him by applying my lipstick onto his bruised face, thus forcing him into a life of ninja shame and ninja misery.

    • The elevator was broken, so I decided to take the stairs and for fun I tried to walk up them on my hands.

    • Just tell your co-workers that some girl was talking smack about you at the club and Lynly78 don't allow no young punks to talk junk about her and that you had to throw down. Word is bond. Lyn-to-the-el-to-da-why gots to represent the M-town in the A-town.

    • The coke machine at work took my change so I went crazy-mad-flex on it with my leg. (Point to hurt leg).

    • If anybody asks how it happens just say: "I asked somebody how they sprained their ankle." Stare at them with your arms outstreched until they leave.



    12. Enjoy.

October 11, 2002 09:10 PM